Is Your Friend Actually Your Frenemy?

The term "frenemy" made it's way into mainstream culture after the release of the uber popular, teen film "Mean Girls." Two of the main characters in the film, Cady and Regina, enter into a friendship that is wrought with jealousy. Both girls go to great lengths to undermine the other in an effort to be the most popular girl in high school.

While most of us can relate to the frenemy concept amongst teenagers, it may be somewhat difficult to acknowledge that frenemies can exist in our lives when we're 20, 30, 40, or older. The acceptance of the frenemy concept is, hands-down, in direct conflict with want we all want to believe in, and that belief is the humankind of people.

Our friends are the people that are supposed to be supportive. They give us a base of acceptance, offer advice, and are the unconditional shoulder to cry on. In a perfect world this would ring true of every person, but sadly it simply does not. So, how can you identify a friend from a frenemy? In our teens and early 20s, frenemies are fairly easy to spot. They're rather obvious in their undermining ways. Their efforts to make you feel bad will be things such as flirting with the guy or girl you like or negatively commenting on your appearance. As the frenemy ages, their abilities are honed. Therefore, making the frenemy far more difficult to spot.

Fortunately, frenemies display very consistent behaviors. If you can recognize that one person in your social group who is the last to praise you for your successes and the first to point at your failures, you have successfully spotted the frenemy. Not so easy? How about a few examples of frenemy words and behaviors?

Regarding the words of a frenemy, the come in the package of backhanded compliments:

• "You really should be so happy that guy/girl is going out to dinner with you."
• "I love your dress! I wish that I could wear something like that, but my breasts are too big."
• “Bro, I like that shirt. I wish I could wear something like that, but my biceps are too big.”
• "I love what you've done with your apartment! It's not quite my style but … "
• "Congratulations on your promotion. One day you might just make as much as I do."

Regarding the actions of a frenemy, see if you recognize these:

• Insensitive comments followed by a hug, handshake, or a laugh.
• Attempts to steal the spotlight during a happy or positive moment.
• Constantly comparing your life with theirs.
• Competing with you over everything.

What's likely to be the singularly most confusing aspect of a frenemy situation is that this person was probably someone that you at one time consider to be a friend. Unfortunately, the friendship was always one-sided and this is probably the most difficult aspect to except. This person's actions are borne out of their own insecurities and the more that they successfully make you feel inferior, the more their sick superiority complex is feed. Just like a parasitic tick, this person needs to be removed from your life and flushed down the toilet.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Low Self-Esteem and The Jealousy Factor

I think that it was Marilyn Monroe who said, “You're no one until someone hates you.” It is true that people will dislike you once you attain a level of success and it is also rather sad for those who have feelings of dislike, or even hate, towards you for the simple fact of your success.

It is at this time that our personal self-awareness is most helpful. Being self-aware and knowing who you are allows you to forgive those that spew venom towards you for your successes. But what if you are the person filled with hateful jealousies toward another?

The simplistic answer for your jealousy is that you are unhappy with yourself and suffer from low self-esteem. And it’s easier to “dislike or hate,” (which in essence is veiled jealousy), a person that you perceive to be successful. You may even believe that the target of your dislike is unjustifiably successful.

Digging deeper, this jealousy that you feel toward another is actual fear of what you, yourself lack. It is much, much easier to point a finger at someone else then to take time for introspection. Personal introspection means that you will have to face your personal demons and come to terms with the fact that you are not happy with where you are in your life journey.

If you find that your consistently focusing hateful feelings towards another, it’s time to take a step back and take a good, long look at yourself. Ask yourself – Has this person sincerely wronged me or is this my personal misperception? Does this person affect my life? Why am I angry with this person? If you are absolutely truthful to yourself, you will find that this person has not wronged you, does not affect your life, and that you’re angry with this person because of your own unhappiness and low self-esteem.

My personal journey brought me to a place of only ever being in competition with myself. But, you can’t get to that place or even understand it until you put in the work to become comfortable with who you are. Attaining self-esteem is a journey that begins with introspection and ends with happiness. In between introspection and happiness is where all the hard work is.

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.