A Look At Addiction To Sadness

Perhaps addiction to a specific emotion or feeling may not be what enters one’s mind when speaking to addiction. But by definition, addiction is “a strong and harmful need to regularly have something or do something”. And that something can just as easily be to an emotion as it can be to a drug or behavior such as thrill-seeking.

When we look at addiction to sadness, we must first acknowledge that there is a difference between purposefully seeking a state of emotional sadness and the medical illness called depression. Depression is far more than an occasional case of “the blues” and should never be taken lightly by the sufferer or the support persons.

This writer would be remiss if she didn’t share two vital pieces of information regarding depression, prior to diving into sadness addiction. If you have any inkling that you are depressed, please visit the Mayo Clinic website for its “Depression Self-Assessment” test. If you feel that you’re in crisis or just need to talk, call the US National Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Readers, please do not confuse this with, or, dismiss a person who is struggling with situational, seasonal, or clinical depression.

An addiction to sadness is where one purposefully remains in an emotional state of sadness. It is no different then an addiction to drama, where one purposefully seeks out life drama and chaotic situations. Although the root causes between drama and sadness addictions are quite different. For the person addicted to sadness, it stems from an unhappy and lonely childhood where sadness was an often-felt emotion. Due to the emotional familiarity, sadness becomes that person’s evil best friend.

Signs of the sadness addict can be a person who, no matter how much positivity life brings their way, simply dismisses it and turn to negative feelings. This person may choose to listen to “lovelorn” music, even when in a solid relationship, in order to evoke sad emotions. In speaking to them you will find that any conversation will turn to the negative aspect of whatever you may be discussing. The sadness addict literally feels safe to stay within the “comfort” of their sadness because it is a familiar place to be. Have you identified yourself or someone close to you?

This writer is not a clinician and does not dole out medical advice, just life observation. For the sadness addict, eventually as with any addiction, there is a price to pay. Left untreated by a legitimate specialist, the sadness addict will inevitably lose friends, relationships, and fail to grow to a healthy emotional state. Again, sadness addiction is not to be confused with or compared to depression.

*Medical Advice Disclaimer: The information included in this article is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. The reader should always consult his or her healthcare provider.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. 

How To Get To Healing When Your Partner Cheats

Life can take us through the most trying times. After all, no one ever promised that life was going to be easy. But, it is the way in which we navigate through the difficult times that defines us.

The subject of healing came to the forefront of my mind, after having written an article, “Onlinerevenge for scorned women,” about a website called “Shesahomewrecker.com”. It was a saddening situation to see so many women focusing upon the most negative aspects of their life trials. The site encourages a woman who’s been cheated on to “name and shame” the other woman. Where is the healing in that?

No one can take away from the pain that a person feels when a partner has lied and broken a sacred trust. But, posting information about such situations, in a fashion that encourages the injured party to continue to remain in an angry and painful place, is simply exploitive on the part of the site’s owners, and detrimental to the person who is hurting.

In the simplest and most basic terms, the path to healing one’s self begins with one’s self. After finding out that your partner has cheated, it isn’t about your partner or the “other woman,” it’s about you. You are the injured party and your feelings come first. I can’t tell you what’s going to make you feel better because there is no “one-size-fits-all” answer to healing. What I can tell you is that focusing on your partner or the “other woman” is pointless.

Again, it isn’t about them. Don’t waste your precious life energy wondering about the “other woman” because she is a non-factor in your healing process and is most assuredly a broken person. Why is she a broken person? Because she chose to cheapen her value by being with a person who was in a committed relationship. Don’t waste your precious life energy worrying about how to “win” your partner back because it was your partner who wronged you, therefore it is your partner’s responsibility to heal the relationship if and when you’re ready. Your path to healing from the betrayal is yours. Own it, embrace it, and you will come through to the other side a much stronger person.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. 

Getting Back To Center

In today’s society, it’s rather easy to get off track or to deviate from the center of ourselves. We get caught up in pure minutia and find that we’re swirling without true direction. So, how can we find our way to center?

Backtracking for a moment, and taking an exploratory look at how we got off center, we find that this didn’t just happen. We didn’t wake up one day and find ourselves overwhelmed. Falling to the right or left of center happened in a series of events and through our own lack of diligently paying attention to what’s truly important in our own private world.

For example, this writer expresses on a myriad of topics and can easily find herself completely off track by simply getting caught up in projects, deadlines and the never-ending cycle of finding avenues to get information out to readers. When this reaches a point of fatigue, it’s then that the ultimate realization hits that no one is going to die if they haven’t read the latest “how-to” about beauty and dating or top news for sports, women’s issues, and pop culture. This writer is but one in a sea of thousands. Returning to center requires a level of humility.

You need to humble yourself and accept that what you do, no matter how important it may seem, most likely isn’t life or death and that you have permission to take time for introspection. Introspection is needed to find your way back to center. Take the time to quiet your mind and find the valuable in your own private world. Is it your partner, children, family, or friends? When you are able to answer this question, you can move forward and reach out to the valuable and begin to find your way back to center.

Learning to relax, really relax

In our never-ending busy, “gotta get it done” world, we are generally unaware of the toll that this type of lifestyle takes on our minds and on our bodies. Well, we’re unaware until we reach a crisis of some sort and yes, the crisis is inevitable if we continue on a path of non-stop movement. Of course for many of us, the first thoughts that pop into our mind are, “I can’t slow down, I have too much to accomplish” and “I relax, I relax on the weekends”.

Let’s take a look at the first thought. “I can’t slow down, I have too much to accomplish”. Really? Is anyone going to die if you don’t … Fill In The Blank? Take a step back and take a moment of introspection. Ask yourself if everything that you need to do each day really needs to be accomplished. With true introspection, the answer will most likely be that you don’t need to get everything finished in one day. This is not an advocacy for being lazy; it’s a look at what’s truly important to you and a step towards self-awareness.

If we look at that first thought a little closer, and remember that nothing is going to get accomplished if you’re unable to function, this may give you good pause to think, discern and get closer to true self-awareness. Moving on to the next thought, “I relax, I relax on the weekends”. If you’re a truly busy person, you most likely are on the go just as much on the weekend as you are throughout the week. Learning to truly relax can actually be uncomfortable for those of us who are hardcore workaholics. So, how can we attain a real state of relaxation?

First, you must know that this takes practice and secondly, realize that once you’ve mastered true relaxation, you’ll be able to be in a relaxed state in the middle of a board meeting. There are a variety of ways in which to achieve relaxation, it’s up you to figure out what works for you as an individual.

Some examples of reaching a relaxed state are:

• Aromatherapy
• Guided Imagery
• Massage
• Meditation
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation
• Yoga

Check back as we break down each of these relaxation techniques! There is but one ride in this life … enjoy the journey!

Celebrating Differences In A World Of Judgment

A quote by Audre Lorde, “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences,” may best sum up the problem with an individual’s view of diversity. We can look at the world around us and see judgment of others. But, why? Why are we so intolerant of those that are different from us?

The simplistic answer is fear. The complicated answer is a lack of self-awareness. Recently, I interviewed C.J. Wilson. The interview was for another media outlet, but C.J. Wilson is a modern example of an uncelebrated difference, an intolerant difference. For readers who are unaware of who C.J. Wilson is, he is a professional athlete who adheres to the Straight Edge lifestyle. Straight Edge is mainly about clean living -- no alcohol, tobacco or caffeine. Our dear C.J. has received more than his fair share of slack simply by being different.

As a professional athlete, doesn’t this lifestyle make for the perfect role model? In a profession filled with bad behavior, of course it does. So why would this young man be called to the carpet for promoting a healthy and positive lifestyle? Because this lifestyle, forces us to look at ourselves, makes us question our own decisions and ultimately draws us to the conclusion that perhaps … we could do better for ourselves. C.J. is one very simple example of intolerance. If we step back and take time to get to know ourselves and begin to feel secure within whom we are, we are then free to enjoy and celebrate the differences of others.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. 

Dealing With Negative People

When’s the last time you had to deal with a negative person? How did you handle it? Did you attack back, navigate through the situation with grace or walk away feeling bad about yourself?

Taking a moment to review a negative situation, while we’re calm, allows us to think about productive avenues for handling future negative people and situations. (Seriously reviewing any past situation allows us to think of better alternatives for the future.)

You may ask, why bother to have any forethought about our responses? The answer is simple; we damage ourselves by feeding into other people’s cycle of negativity!

Wherever we go, we are inevitably going to face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply don’t like us. That’s the way life is, we are all, thankfully, different. Our differences are not the cause of conflict but they do trigger our emotions. Our emotions are what drive us back to our basic survival instinct of React and Attack. But, we have the ability to keep our emotions in check and control our responses.

Have you ever noticed that negativity spreads? I’ve found that if I’m around a negative minded person, their negativity starts to affect my thoughts and judgments. I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a direct reflection of their obvious self-dissatisfaction. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to bring others down too. Reacting to someone who is negative will only trigger anger and additional negative responses from that person. If we do respond, we have wasted our energy upon the unproductive. Energy wasted on negative people is energy that could have been spent on a million other, far more important issues.

Some people may have a less than articulate way of expressing themselves, it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and willpower to choose our responses. There is a wonderful quote by Alex Noble, “If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day.” Noble sums up the true spirit of being at peace with one’s self. It’s a beautiful quote and perhaps one that we need to remember at the end of the day.

There is but one ride in this life … enjoy the journey!

©2010-2013 Journey To Self – All Rights Reserved

Stress and Finding A Balance

Everyone is affected by stress in one way or another. Managing stress, at times, can feel overwhelming. But, it is an issue of how we view and think about a trying situation, and then taking proactive actions.

You can peruse the Internet and find thousands of tips to combat stress, many of which are common sense actions such as, exercising, eating well and taking time for you … the list goes on. Have you ever thought about looking at the internal instead of the external?

Getting to know who you truly are is number one on my list of ways for combating stress. Be willing to take the time for introspection. I’m talking about real introspection, the type where you look at and acknowledge your faults, as well as your strengths. So what happens after you know all the pluses and minuses about you? You now have a healthy emotional arsenal to draw upon.

There is but one ride in this life … enjoy the journey!

©2010-2013 Journey To Self – All Rights Reserved 

Enjoying The Journey of Change

Ugh! Most of us don’t like change. After all it can be uncomfortable. But, if you've recognized that something in your life needs to change … you've already taken the first big step. And while it’s always important to be mindful of your feelings, it’s fairly easy to get caught up in the negative feelings versus embracing what will ultimately be a successful journey.

Thoughts to enjoy the journey:

1. Remember that you choose to make a change and trust in yourself.

2. When you begin to feel anxious or uncomfortable, embrace those feeling because they are part of the end result.

3. Take assessments often. If you take a step back and assess where you began in your journey, you can see how far that you’ve come toward change.

4. Give yourself a pat on the back. You took the steps to alter what wasn’t making you happy, don’t forget to reward yourself for your self-awareness and strength.

We can acknowledge that change isn’t easy, but it’s important to refocus your thoughts. With your new self-awareness, you can choose to shift your focus from negative and self-defeating thoughts to positive and fulfilling feelings.

There is but one ride in this life … enjoy the journey!

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. 

DLF Live to bring transcendental meditation to at-risk communities

The David Lynch Foundation announced June 4, the launch its new performance division, DLF Live. The launch will take place at the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival on June 15. DLF Live will connect the power of arts and creativity to bring transcendental meditation (TM) to at-risk communities.

The launch will be marked by a screening of, “Meditation, Creativity, Peace,” a documentary highlighting filmmaker David Lynch and his decades-long dedication to TM and the arts. The screening is sponsored by the David Lynch Foundation (DLF) and will be hosted by James McCartney, musician and son of legend Paul McCartney and Bob Roth, Executive Director of DLF.

DLF Live will produce concerts, film festivals, stand-up comedy shows, film competitions, conferences and art events to support the work of the David Lynch Foundation. All proceeds will go towards DLF's work to bring healing through TM to underserved communities. One of DLF Live’s goals will be to raise funds to teach TM to 1,000,000 at-risk youth around the world over the next five years.

Why introduce TM to at-risk youth? The benefits of meditation have been studied and found to be an effective tool by the Harvard School of Medicine, the National Institutes of Health, the U.S. Department of Defense, the American Heart Association and the American Medical Association. Meditation. These studies have been proven to reduce acute and chronic stress and stress-related disorders, decrease anxiety and depression, help individuals overcome addictions and simultaneously develop the brain and creative potential of the individual for a healthy, productive and self-sufficient life.

DLF Live’s Board of Advisors includes music industry leaders Russell Simmons, Scooter Braun, Dan McCarroll and Craig Kallman. DLF has previously produced benefit concerts and events featuring Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Wynton Marsalis, Martin Scorsese, Ellen DeGeneres, Russell Brand and Dr. Mehmet Oz. For more information about DLF, please visit their website and for more information about the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival screening, please visit Bonnaroo Cinema. 

Positive Affirmations During Your Journey Of Change

Change is usually not easy. Some people are highly adaptable to change, but most people like their “creature comforts” and become highly uncomfortable when life changes. But, part of true self-awareness is knowing that you need to change or that some aspect of your world needs to change.

Now that you’ve set out on your journey to a better world, you may begin to become uncomfortable and unsure. It’s the times when you are unsure that you need positive affirmations. Although positive affirmations may seem silly, these words are basically you parenting you. They are the words any loving parent would tell their child.

Review the following affirmations and be aware if one, or all, resonates with you:

• I am good.
• I am wanted.
• I am loved for the person that I am.
• My needs are not a burden.
• I am safe.
• I am a valuable person.
• I matter to those around me.

Perhaps the above affirmations didn’t faze you at all. My guess is that if you’ve gotten to this point of the article, one or more probably did. Remember throughout your journey to take time to comfort yourself. It’s okay to care about yourself!

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved.

Choosing Happiness: The Achievable Possibility

Many people believe that they can only feel happiness when everything is going well in their lives. We tend to need a reason or situation to be happy. But, what if we changed our thought process about happiness and made a conscientious choice to be happy? Feeling joy and happiness can be achieved by making a choice to do so.

Put things into perspective. Most people do not live the ideal life and life brings us challenges on a daily basis. Have you stopped to think about how bad it really is? I’m talking about a true assessment of your life situation. Are you homeless, terminally ill, has your family disowned you? Get the picture? For the record I had a terminally ill sibling, who smile everyday for the time that they had left. That is not to say that everyone could or should be able to smile in the face of extremely difficult situations, nor is to judge the level of difficulty of another human being. However, it is to make a point about self-awareness and our personal choices.

Acknowledging that no one can gauge another person’s tolerance for life’s stress and that less extreme situations can legitimately feel as bad as any. Another thought is to remember that when things feel as if you’ve hit rock bottom, then there’s only up right? Better days will come and this is something to look forward to and smile about.

If you aren’t able to acknowledge that better days are one their way, are you able to be thankful for whatever is positive in your life? Stop and think about all the conveniences that you take for granted and be thankful for them. Conveniences such as a roof over your head, food, clean water, and a warm bed. These things are actually more then conveniences, they are luxuries to many. If you can feel grateful for what you have, let that gratitude turn into happiness.

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, I’m Possible!” ~Audrey Hepburn

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved.

Five Tips For Managing Stress At Work

April is National Stress Awareness Month and with this in mind, now is probably a good time to think about one of our greatest stressors … work. Since studies show that Americans dedicate an average of 80% of our waking hours to work related activities, it would make sense that work related issues contribute to the majority of our stress.

Most of us can’t quit our jobs and quite frankly, quitting your job is not going to lesson your stress. Taking a step back and reframing both how you view your work life and how you manage your work life, can improve your quality of life. Check out these five quick and easy tips, try one or two and see the difference that they can make.

1. Plan your activities: It is important to timetable responsibilities, both on a daily basis and long-term. Plan out the, what, why, how, when, and who will do the job. By placing specific duties into a timeframe, you’ll be able to easily identify the weak link, address the issue and move forward.

2. Organize your time on a daily basis: Make a list of issues; give priority to the most important or the most pressing issues. At the end of each day check what you’ve completed. If you find that certain tasks or issues are not being addressed, re-evaluate your list.

3. Don’t hesitate to ask: In the fast paced world of today’s workplace, tasks and responsibilities often change. It is hardly a black mark against you to ask a question if you are unsure. However, not getting clarification and failing to deliver, will be.

4. Contribute to a positive environment at work: Be open for discussions, have good communication with others and do not be afraid of positive critique. Keep in mind individual differences, some people perform better under pressure, others need more time to organize their work. Knowing the work style of your colleagues is a positive when a project needs to be completed.

5. Take a break and delegate: Yes, you are allowed to take a breather. Break for a few minutes several time throughout the day and learn how to let go. For any Type A personality, delegating responsibilities can be tricky. But learning to delegate responsibility is necessary unless you prefer burnout.

Not a single one of the above tips are going to solve your work stress, but they will help you to begin to identify specific areas where you are able to begin to make changes. In my opinion, an area to really focus upon is a positive work environment. For those that are in supervisory positions, you set the tone of the work environment. Having a positive and energetic attitude is infectious and will help your employees to feel more positive … leading to more productivity and less stress for you.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved.

Love and The Drama Addiction

Despite that many little girls are indoctrinated with stories about prince charming, the “need” to find a partner is not gender specific. Society programs us to find that special someone and we’re inundated with messages that conflict and drama equal passion and love. But, what is drama addiction in a romantic relationship?

In short, drama addiction is exactly what it says … addiction to drama. And like any other addictions, it involves a craving and compulsion. In the case of drama addiction with love, the behavior of the drama addict is an overreaction to any situation in which the addicted person perceives to have been slighted by their partner.

We’ve all witnessed this type of behavior in teens. Jack sees his girlfriend Becky chatting with another guy and in Jack’s mind, Becky MUST be interested in the other guy. Or perhaps it’s Becky who witnesses Jack exchanging pleasantries with a classmate and boom … drama! We can give a bit of latitude with teens because they’re still developing, but it’s a completely different issue when the drama follows into adulthood.

Ultimately, the adult drama addict is driven by deep-seeded insecurities. They are unhappy with themselves and must have control over every aspect of their world with a very specific focus on their partner’s life. They need to know everything that’s going on in their partner’s world including work, friends and family. They need to judge the people in their partner’s life. They need to be the go-to person regarding everything that transpires in their partner’s world.

The bottom line is that the drama addict must be the center of attention at all times. Veer from the drama addict’s plan in anyway and what you will witness is a temper tantrum on the scale of a two-year-old. Why does the drama addict act this way? Arrested development! But, a break down of arrested development is a whole other beast.

Aside from the obvious unhealthy issues within a relationship where one partner is addicted to drama, there is often a sad scenario where the drama addict has found a sincere and loving partner. For the drama addict, a sincere and loving partner can increase the need for drama. The drama addict is literally uncomfortable experiencing healthy love. As with any addiction, the addict must first recognize that there’s a problem before they can get on the road to recovery.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Relational Aggression: Girl On Girl Bullying - Part 2

Part 1 of this article reviewed the "why" of girl on girl bullying and the term "relational aggression." Due to the fact that bullying usually starts at school it is necessary to examine how to address this issue at the school level. Further, what parents can do to access if their child is a victim and how to help them.

Many schools have zero tolerance policies regarding physically aggressive bullying but very few schools address relational aggression. The fact is that girls are less likely to physically bully one another. Girl on girl bullying is far more likely to consist of actions such as name-calling, spreading rumors, and attempts to socially ostracize the victim at school. And then continue to cyberbullying. Although cyber bullying will most likely not occur in school, the exception is text messaging, it will affect a student's scholastic performance. Schools must implement an anti-bullying policy that includes consequences for relational aggression.

Adolescents and teens are attempting to assert their independence and therefore less likely to tell parents things that happen at school to begin with. Parents need to stay engaged with their daughters. Take time to have discussions about what's happening at school, keep an eye on Internet and cell phone activity, and be proactive with teachers, counselors, and school administrators.

Signs your child may be a victim of cyberbullying:

• Avoids the computer and cell phone or appears stressed when receiving an e-mail, instant message or text
• Withdraws from family and friends or acts reluctant to attend school and social events
• Exhibits signs of low self-esteem including depression and/or fear
• Has declining grades
• Has poor eating or sleeping habits

What you can do:

• Tell your child not to respond to rude e-mails, messages and comments
• Save the evidence, such as e-mail and text messages, and take screenshots of comments and images. Also, take note of the date and time when the harassment occurs
• Contact your Internet service provider (ISP) or cell phone provider. Ask the website administrator or ISP to remove any Web page created to hurt your child
• If harassment is via e-mail, social networking sites, IM, and chat rooms, instruct your child to "block" bullies or delete your child's current account and open a new one
• If harassment is via text and phone messages, change the phone number and instruct your child to only share the new number with trustworthy people. Also, check out phone features that may allow the number to be blocked
• Get your child's school involved. Learn the school's policy on cyberbullying and urge administrators to take a stance against all forms of bullying

For adolescents and teens: If you are the target of any type of bullying, the first thing that you need to realize is that it's not your fault. You are not alone, you do have power, and you can get help to stop the harassment. If you are afraid to tell your parents, please tell a trusted adult or call (800) 273-8255. For more tips on prevention and help with cyberbullying, please visit the National Crime Prevention Counsel website at www.stopcyberbullying.org.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Relational Aggression: Girl On Girl Bullying - Part 1

Alexis Pilkington was a popular 17-year-old and a well-liked athlete who had already landed a soccer scholarship to college. But none of that stopped Alexis from becoming the target of online girl on girl bullying. Alexis began to receive hundreds of nasty online comments via the social networking site Formspring.

In March 2010, Alexis committed suicide and although all agree that the online harassment was not the sole factor that led to Alexis' death, everyone does agree that it was a contributory factor.

Unfortunately Alexis' story is not unique. A 2010 study conducted for the Cyberbullying Research Center, (S. Hinduja, & J. W. Patchin, 2010). “Bullying, Cyberbullying, and Suicide,” states: "Without question, the nature of adolescent peer aggression has evolved due to the proliferation of information and communications technology. There have been several high profile cases involving teenagers taking their own lives in part because of being harassed and mistreated over the Internet. Cyberbullying victims were almost twice as likely to have attempted suicide compared to youth who had not experienced cyberbullying. Girls are 57% more likely to be victims of aggressive cyberbullying and 92% more likely to be the perpetrators."

Suicide is obviously the extreme and no one can minimize the tragedy of it. However there are other damages that occur as a result of aggressive bullying. It can damage self-esteem and lead to feelings of worthlessness, also increasing social isolation and leading victims to become withdrawn and depressed, anxious, and insecure. So what causes girls to be mean towards each other?

A term known as relational aggression may best describe the cause of girl on girl bullying. It starts with a clique usually led by a girl with a high level of social status and popularity. In order retain her position, she will use manipulation to control girls within the clique and take vicious actions if she feels threatened.

Looking into the dynamics of a clique it is easily assessed that one girl is the pack leader and the others will follow her actions or directives in order to retain their social standing within the clique. At the leader's directive the girls within the clique will, without question, instigate the spreading of rumors and lies, taunts, and use the silent treatment to harass other girls.

The bullying starts at school but will quickly go to cyberbullying due to anonymity and lack of retribution. Girls that would otherwise not call another girl a whore or slut or refer to her as ugly will easily do so in the anonymity of the Internet. Ultimately the cause boils down to the insecurity and jealousy of one girl and the twisted loyalty of members within her clique. Underneath the confident exterior of a female bully lie desperate insecurities.

Understanding the dynamics of cliques may help us to understand why girls are so mean to each other. But we then must ask what can be done to protect the victims and also what can be done to change the harmful behaviors of the female bully?

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

The Valentine’s Day Letdown: Is It Time To Move On?

Dr. Michelle Callahan

While many of your friends may have enjoyed receiving a sweet Valentine, your sweetie may have been quite a disappointment. I refer to this as the Valentine’s Day Letdown. What you thought was going to happen with your relationship, simply didn’t, and this has left you wondering if it’s time to move on.

What you may be experiencing is likely born from a lack of communication and unrealistic expectations. Moving in with your sweetie may have seemed like an awesome choice, but after the major Valentine’s Day Letdown, you now know that it’s time to move on. If you’ve reached the point where you’re attempting to figure out how to move on, fortunately you’re not alone, as relationship expert Dr. Michelle Callahan has shared advice with Journey To Self regarding the best way to figure out which one of the two of you should stay and who should go.

Dr. Michelle offers the following:

• Who lived there first? Probably the easiest way to determine who should get the space is to decide based on who lived there first. The person whose name is on the lease usually gets first priority. If the person whose name is on the lease decides to give the space to their partner, that person should be sure to get the lease transferred to their name so they have a legal right to live there.
• Who can afford to move? A recent study conducted by Rent.com found that 33 percent of renters said they continued to live with their former partner after a break-up because they couldn’t find an apartment they could afford. After sharing rent and household expenses, it becomes a challenge for people to save enough money to find an apartment they can afford on their own, in addition to moving expenses and a new security deposit. 
• Who needs the space? If one person works from home or cares for children or pets living in the home, that person likely has a greater need to maintain consistency and remain at that location. If the apartment is particularly close to one person’s job, that’s another benefit that might tip the scales in their direction.
• Who loves the space the most? Sometimes one person has grown very personally attached to the space. They may have invested a lot of time in decorating or selecting that apartment and as a result they feel more attached to the space. 
• Who wants to separate sooner than later? The breakup may be more painful for one partner than the other. In that case, the person who finds it hardest to share the physical space with their Ex may be more likely to voluntarily leave the apartment in the interest of their own well-being.

Dr. Michelle is a renowned psychologist, author, and the host of “Wedlock or Deadlock” who is also a popular guest on Dr. Oz, Rachael Ray, The Talk, Oprah and the Today Show. For more tips about relationships, visit Dr. Michelle’s website at drmichelle.com.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Is Your Friend Actually Your Frenemy?

The term "frenemy" made it's way into mainstream culture after the release of the uber popular, teen film "Mean Girls." Two of the main characters in the film, Cady and Regina, enter into a friendship that is wrought with jealousy. Both girls go to great lengths to undermine the other in an effort to be the most popular girl in high school.

While most of us can relate to the frenemy concept amongst teenagers, it may be somewhat difficult to acknowledge that frenemies can exist in our lives when we're 20, 30, 40, or older. The acceptance of the frenemy concept is, hands-down, in direct conflict with want we all want to believe in, and that belief is the humankind of people.

Our friends are the people that are supposed to be supportive. They give us a base of acceptance, offer advice, and are the unconditional shoulder to cry on. In a perfect world this would ring true of every person, but sadly it simply does not. So, how can you identify a friend from a frenemy? In our teens and early 20s, frenemies are fairly easy to spot. They're rather obvious in their undermining ways. Their efforts to make you feel bad will be things such as flirting with the guy or girl you like or negatively commenting on your appearance. As the frenemy ages, their abilities are honed. Therefore, making the frenemy far more difficult to spot.

Fortunately, frenemies display very consistent behaviors. If you can recognize that one person in your social group who is the last to praise you for your successes and the first to point at your failures, you have successfully spotted the frenemy. Not so easy? How about a few examples of frenemy words and behaviors?

Regarding the words of a frenemy, the come in the package of backhanded compliments:

• "You really should be so happy that guy/girl is going out to dinner with you."
• "I love your dress! I wish that I could wear something like that, but my breasts are too big."
• “Bro, I like that shirt. I wish I could wear something like that, but my biceps are too big.”
• "I love what you've done with your apartment! It's not quite my style but … "
• "Congratulations on your promotion. One day you might just make as much as I do."

Regarding the actions of a frenemy, see if you recognize these:

• Insensitive comments followed by a hug, handshake, or a laugh.
• Attempts to steal the spotlight during a happy or positive moment.
• Constantly comparing your life with theirs.
• Competing with you over everything.

What's likely to be the singularly most confusing aspect of a frenemy situation is that this person was probably someone that you at one time consider to be a friend. Unfortunately, the friendship was always one-sided and this is probably the most difficult aspect to except. This person's actions are borne out of their own insecurities and the more that they successfully make you feel inferior, the more their sick superiority complex is feed. Just like a parasitic tick, this person needs to be removed from your life and flushed down the toilet.

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