Relational Aggression: Girl On Girl Bullying - Part 2

Part 1 of this article reviewed the "why" of girl on girl bullying and the term "relational aggression." Due to the fact that bullying usually starts at school it is necessary to examine how to address this issue at the school level. Further, what parents can do to access if their child is a victim and how to help them.

Many schools have zero tolerance policies regarding physically aggressive bullying but very few schools address relational aggression. The fact is that girls are less likely to physically bully one another. Girl on girl bullying is far more likely to consist of actions such as name-calling, spreading rumors, and attempts to socially ostracize the victim at school. And then continue to cyberbullying. Although cyber bullying will most likely not occur in school, the exception is text messaging, it will affect a student's scholastic performance. Schools must implement an anti-bullying policy that includes consequences for relational aggression.

Adolescents and teens are attempting to assert their independence and therefore less likely to tell parents things that happen at school to begin with. Parents need to stay engaged with their daughters. Take time to have discussions about what's happening at school, keep an eye on Internet and cell phone activity, and be proactive with teachers, counselors, and school administrators.

Signs your child may be a victim of cyberbullying:

• Avoids the computer and cell phone or appears stressed when receiving an e-mail, instant message or text
• Withdraws from family and friends or acts reluctant to attend school and social events
• Exhibits signs of low self-esteem including depression and/or fear
• Has declining grades
• Has poor eating or sleeping habits

What you can do:

• Tell your child not to respond to rude e-mails, messages and comments
• Save the evidence, such as e-mail and text messages, and take screenshots of comments and images. Also, take note of the date and time when the harassment occurs
• Contact your Internet service provider (ISP) or cell phone provider. Ask the website administrator or ISP to remove any Web page created to hurt your child
• If harassment is via e-mail, social networking sites, IM, and chat rooms, instruct your child to "block" bullies or delete your child's current account and open a new one
• If harassment is via text and phone messages, change the phone number and instruct your child to only share the new number with trustworthy people. Also, check out phone features that may allow the number to be blocked
• Get your child's school involved. Learn the school's policy on cyberbullying and urge administrators to take a stance against all forms of bullying

For adolescents and teens: If you are the target of any type of bullying, the first thing that you need to realize is that it's not your fault. You are not alone, you do have power, and you can get help to stop the harassment. If you are afraid to tell your parents, please tell a trusted adult or call (800) 273-8255. For more tips on prevention and help with cyberbullying, please visit the National Crime Prevention Counsel website at www.stopcyberbullying.org.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Relational Aggression: Girl On Girl Bullying - Part 1

Alexis Pilkington was a popular 17-year-old and a well-liked athlete who had already landed a soccer scholarship to college. But none of that stopped Alexis from becoming the target of online girl on girl bullying. Alexis began to receive hundreds of nasty online comments via the social networking site Formspring.

In March 2010, Alexis committed suicide and although all agree that the online harassment was not the sole factor that led to Alexis' death, everyone does agree that it was a contributory factor.

Unfortunately Alexis' story is not unique. A 2010 study conducted for the Cyberbullying Research Center, (S. Hinduja, & J. W. Patchin, 2010). “Bullying, Cyberbullying, and Suicide,” states: "Without question, the nature of adolescent peer aggression has evolved due to the proliferation of information and communications technology. There have been several high profile cases involving teenagers taking their own lives in part because of being harassed and mistreated over the Internet. Cyberbullying victims were almost twice as likely to have attempted suicide compared to youth who had not experienced cyberbullying. Girls are 57% more likely to be victims of aggressive cyberbullying and 92% more likely to be the perpetrators."

Suicide is obviously the extreme and no one can minimize the tragedy of it. However there are other damages that occur as a result of aggressive bullying. It can damage self-esteem and lead to feelings of worthlessness, also increasing social isolation and leading victims to become withdrawn and depressed, anxious, and insecure. So what causes girls to be mean towards each other?

A term known as relational aggression may best describe the cause of girl on girl bullying. It starts with a clique usually led by a girl with a high level of social status and popularity. In order retain her position, she will use manipulation to control girls within the clique and take vicious actions if she feels threatened.

Looking into the dynamics of a clique it is easily assessed that one girl is the pack leader and the others will follow her actions or directives in order to retain their social standing within the clique. At the leader's directive the girls within the clique will, without question, instigate the spreading of rumors and lies, taunts, and use the silent treatment to harass other girls.

The bullying starts at school but will quickly go to cyberbullying due to anonymity and lack of retribution. Girls that would otherwise not call another girl a whore or slut or refer to her as ugly will easily do so in the anonymity of the Internet. Ultimately the cause boils down to the insecurity and jealousy of one girl and the twisted loyalty of members within her clique. Underneath the confident exterior of a female bully lie desperate insecurities.

Understanding the dynamics of cliques may help us to understand why girls are so mean to each other. But we then must ask what can be done to protect the victims and also what can be done to change the harmful behaviors of the female bully?

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

The Valentine’s Day Letdown: Is It Time To Move On?

Dr. Michelle Callahan

While many of your friends may have enjoyed receiving a sweet Valentine, your sweetie may have been quite a disappointment. I refer to this as the Valentine’s Day Letdown. What you thought was going to happen with your relationship, simply didn’t, and this has left you wondering if it’s time to move on.

What you may be experiencing is likely born from a lack of communication and unrealistic expectations. Moving in with your sweetie may have seemed like an awesome choice, but after the major Valentine’s Day Letdown, you now know that it’s time to move on. If you’ve reached the point where you’re attempting to figure out how to move on, fortunately you’re not alone, as relationship expert Dr. Michelle Callahan has shared advice with Journey To Self regarding the best way to figure out which one of the two of you should stay and who should go.

Dr. Michelle offers the following:

• Who lived there first? Probably the easiest way to determine who should get the space is to decide based on who lived there first. The person whose name is on the lease usually gets first priority. If the person whose name is on the lease decides to give the space to their partner, that person should be sure to get the lease transferred to their name so they have a legal right to live there.
• Who can afford to move? A recent study conducted by Rent.com found that 33 percent of renters said they continued to live with their former partner after a break-up because they couldn’t find an apartment they could afford. After sharing rent and household expenses, it becomes a challenge for people to save enough money to find an apartment they can afford on their own, in addition to moving expenses and a new security deposit. 
• Who needs the space? If one person works from home or cares for children or pets living in the home, that person likely has a greater need to maintain consistency and remain at that location. If the apartment is particularly close to one person’s job, that’s another benefit that might tip the scales in their direction.
• Who loves the space the most? Sometimes one person has grown very personally attached to the space. They may have invested a lot of time in decorating or selecting that apartment and as a result they feel more attached to the space. 
• Who wants to separate sooner than later? The breakup may be more painful for one partner than the other. In that case, the person who finds it hardest to share the physical space with their Ex may be more likely to voluntarily leave the apartment in the interest of their own well-being.

Dr. Michelle is a renowned psychologist, author, and the host of “Wedlock or Deadlock” who is also a popular guest on Dr. Oz, Rachael Ray, The Talk, Oprah and the Today Show. For more tips about relationships, visit Dr. Michelle’s website at drmichelle.com.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Is Your Friend Actually Your Frenemy?

The term "frenemy" made it's way into mainstream culture after the release of the uber popular, teen film "Mean Girls." Two of the main characters in the film, Cady and Regina, enter into a friendship that is wrought with jealousy. Both girls go to great lengths to undermine the other in an effort to be the most popular girl in high school.

While most of us can relate to the frenemy concept amongst teenagers, it may be somewhat difficult to acknowledge that frenemies can exist in our lives when we're 20, 30, 40, or older. The acceptance of the frenemy concept is, hands-down, in direct conflict with want we all want to believe in, and that belief is the humankind of people.

Our friends are the people that are supposed to be supportive. They give us a base of acceptance, offer advice, and are the unconditional shoulder to cry on. In a perfect world this would ring true of every person, but sadly it simply does not. So, how can you identify a friend from a frenemy? In our teens and early 20s, frenemies are fairly easy to spot. They're rather obvious in their undermining ways. Their efforts to make you feel bad will be things such as flirting with the guy or girl you like or negatively commenting on your appearance. As the frenemy ages, their abilities are honed. Therefore, making the frenemy far more difficult to spot.

Fortunately, frenemies display very consistent behaviors. If you can recognize that one person in your social group who is the last to praise you for your successes and the first to point at your failures, you have successfully spotted the frenemy. Not so easy? How about a few examples of frenemy words and behaviors?

Regarding the words of a frenemy, the come in the package of backhanded compliments:

• "You really should be so happy that guy/girl is going out to dinner with you."
• "I love your dress! I wish that I could wear something like that, but my breasts are too big."
• “Bro, I like that shirt. I wish I could wear something like that, but my biceps are too big.”
• "I love what you've done with your apartment! It's not quite my style but … "
• "Congratulations on your promotion. One day you might just make as much as I do."

Regarding the actions of a frenemy, see if you recognize these:

• Insensitive comments followed by a hug, handshake, or a laugh.
• Attempts to steal the spotlight during a happy or positive moment.
• Constantly comparing your life with theirs.
• Competing with you over everything.

What's likely to be the singularly most confusing aspect of a frenemy situation is that this person was probably someone that you at one time consider to be a friend. Unfortunately, the friendship was always one-sided and this is probably the most difficult aspect to except. This person's actions are borne out of their own insecurities and the more that they successfully make you feel inferior, the more their sick superiority complex is feed. Just like a parasitic tick, this person needs to be removed from your life and flushed down the toilet.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Dr. Oz To Broadcast Special Newtown Show

As our nation reels from the terrible events in Newtown, Conn., The Dr. Oz Show will offer a special broadcast on Dec. 17, which will examine the issues that many people face upon learning of the Dec. 14 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

Due to the unique scale and horror of the murders, it's normal for people to be deeply affected by the news, furthermore to experience painful and potentially dangerous stress symptoms.

In addition to the physical manifestations of stress, the emotional, psychological and spiritual toll on the nation is great. Not only surrounding the Newtown shooting, but other major shootings such as the Aurora movie theater shooting, the Virginia Tech massacre and the Columbine school shooting have shown that crisis counseling and other resources are necessary, even for people who are far removed from the actual events.

The Dr. Oz Show is broadcasting the special episode as a stand of solidarity and support for a nation in mourning. The Dec. 17 broadcast will be an open discussion dedicated to healing and support as a country. The show will tape on the morning of Dec. 17 and air in the afternoon in the majority of U.S. markets. Those cities that regularly air The Dr. Oz Show after 2 p.m. will carry the show in its entirety, visit HERE to check local listings.

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Coping With Holiday Stress

As our friends and family gather for the holiday celebrations, we need to remember the true purpose of these holiday get-togethers. Instead of looking at tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner or other holiday celebrations in terms of what you need to do, reframe your thinking a view these holiday gatherings, as an enjoyable time to spend with loved ones.

Easier said then done when Auntie Matilda or whomever asks, “Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?” despite that Matilda knows full well you are happily single. Or when your sibling comments that the stuffing isn’t as good as mom makes. Questions and comments of this nature are intended to make you feel inadequate. This is where you have several choices.

You can choose to grin and bear the negative comments and questions, you can also choose to shoot a quip back or you can reframe your thoughts and enjoy the day. Reframing your thought process takes discipline, but self-awareness is about self-empowerment. When you know who you truly are as a human being, other people’s attempts (subconsciously or otherwise) to make you feel inferior simply won’t affect you. It’s quite simple really. You have to remember who you are, that you’re happy with yourself and most of all, other people’s unhappiness is not yours.

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Working On Self-Esteem

What do you like about yourself? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, or you cannot answer them, chances are that you have a problem with self-esteem. Why is that? Why do so many people basically dislike themselves? Why are we embarrassed to "esteem" ourselves?

Self-esteem comes from the inside out. It is a core identity issue, essential to personal validation and our ability to experience joy. Once achieved, it comes from the inside out. But it is beaten or stunted from the outside in. A person with a positive self-image is not dependent upon anyone else to make him or her feel good about themselves, because they already know that they are fine just the way they are. These people are confident and aware of their strengths and abilities.

A person with low self-esteem does not feel good about himself or herself because they have absorbed all the negative messages around them. Low self-esteem can lead to poor decision making in one’s personal and professional life. Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from parent to child. Parents are modeling what it is to be a “man” or a “woman” and here within lies dangerous territory leaving children of parents with esteem issues, more vulnerable to abusive relationships.

A person with low self-esteem has no control over their life because their personal validation is met by outside factors. But that can change. You can reach out and begin the path toward emotional healing and a positive self-image. You can choose your own identity. You can discard the negative images and replace it with something healthy. Nobody is perfect, but everyone is worthwhile. Believe in yourself!

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.