The Valentine’s Day Letdown: Is It Time To Move On?

Dr. Michelle Callahan

While many of your friends may have enjoyed receiving a sweet Valentine, your sweetie may have been quite a disappointment. I refer to this as the Valentine’s Day Letdown. What you thought was going to happen with your relationship, simply didn’t, and this has left you wondering if it’s time to move on.

What you may be experiencing is likely born from a lack of communication and unrealistic expectations. Moving in with your sweetie may have seemed like an awesome choice, but after the major Valentine’s Day Letdown, you now know that it’s time to move on. If you’ve reached the point where you’re attempting to figure out how to move on, fortunately you’re not alone, as relationship expert Dr. Michelle Callahan has shared advice with Journey To Self regarding the best way to figure out which one of the two of you should stay and who should go.

Dr. Michelle offers the following:

• Who lived there first? Probably the easiest way to determine who should get the space is to decide based on who lived there first. The person whose name is on the lease usually gets first priority. If the person whose name is on the lease decides to give the space to their partner, that person should be sure to get the lease transferred to their name so they have a legal right to live there.
• Who can afford to move? A recent study conducted by Rent.com found that 33 percent of renters said they continued to live with their former partner after a break-up because they couldn’t find an apartment they could afford. After sharing rent and household expenses, it becomes a challenge for people to save enough money to find an apartment they can afford on their own, in addition to moving expenses and a new security deposit. 
• Who needs the space? If one person works from home or cares for children or pets living in the home, that person likely has a greater need to maintain consistency and remain at that location. If the apartment is particularly close to one person’s job, that’s another benefit that might tip the scales in their direction.
• Who loves the space the most? Sometimes one person has grown very personally attached to the space. They may have invested a lot of time in decorating or selecting that apartment and as a result they feel more attached to the space. 
• Who wants to separate sooner than later? The breakup may be more painful for one partner than the other. In that case, the person who finds it hardest to share the physical space with their Ex may be more likely to voluntarily leave the apartment in the interest of their own well-being.

Dr. Michelle is a renowned psychologist, author, and the host of “Wedlock or Deadlock” who is also a popular guest on Dr. Oz, Rachael Ray, The Talk, Oprah and the Today Show. For more tips about relationships, visit Dr. Michelle’s website at drmichelle.com.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Is Your Friend Actually Your Frenemy?

The term "frenemy" made it's way into mainstream culture after the release of the uber popular, teen film "Mean Girls." Two of the main characters in the film, Cady and Regina, enter into a friendship that is wrought with jealousy. Both girls go to great lengths to undermine the other in an effort to be the most popular girl in high school.

While most of us can relate to the frenemy concept amongst teenagers, it may be somewhat difficult to acknowledge that frenemies can exist in our lives when we're 20, 30, 40, or older. The acceptance of the frenemy concept is, hands-down, in direct conflict with want we all want to believe in, and that belief is the humankind of people.

Our friends are the people that are supposed to be supportive. They give us a base of acceptance, offer advice, and are the unconditional shoulder to cry on. In a perfect world this would ring true of every person, but sadly it simply does not. So, how can you identify a friend from a frenemy? In our teens and early 20s, frenemies are fairly easy to spot. They're rather obvious in their undermining ways. Their efforts to make you feel bad will be things such as flirting with the guy or girl you like or negatively commenting on your appearance. As the frenemy ages, their abilities are honed. Therefore, making the frenemy far more difficult to spot.

Fortunately, frenemies display very consistent behaviors. If you can recognize that one person in your social group who is the last to praise you for your successes and the first to point at your failures, you have successfully spotted the frenemy. Not so easy? How about a few examples of frenemy words and behaviors?

Regarding the words of a frenemy, the come in the package of backhanded compliments:

• "You really should be so happy that guy/girl is going out to dinner with you."
• "I love your dress! I wish that I could wear something like that, but my breasts are too big."
• “Bro, I like that shirt. I wish I could wear something like that, but my biceps are too big.”
• "I love what you've done with your apartment! It's not quite my style but … "
• "Congratulations on your promotion. One day you might just make as much as I do."

Regarding the actions of a frenemy, see if you recognize these:

• Insensitive comments followed by a hug, handshake, or a laugh.
• Attempts to steal the spotlight during a happy or positive moment.
• Constantly comparing your life with theirs.
• Competing with you over everything.

What's likely to be the singularly most confusing aspect of a frenemy situation is that this person was probably someone that you at one time consider to be a friend. Unfortunately, the friendship was always one-sided and this is probably the most difficult aspect to except. This person's actions are borne out of their own insecurities and the more that they successfully make you feel inferior, the more their sick superiority complex is feed. Just like a parasitic tick, this person needs to be removed from your life and flushed down the toilet.

©2013 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Dr. Oz To Broadcast Special Newtown Show

As our nation reels from the terrible events in Newtown, Conn., The Dr. Oz Show will offer a special broadcast on Dec. 17, which will examine the issues that many people face upon learning of the Dec. 14 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

Due to the unique scale and horror of the murders, it's normal for people to be deeply affected by the news, furthermore to experience painful and potentially dangerous stress symptoms.

In addition to the physical manifestations of stress, the emotional, psychological and spiritual toll on the nation is great. Not only surrounding the Newtown shooting, but other major shootings such as the Aurora movie theater shooting, the Virginia Tech massacre and the Columbine school shooting have shown that crisis counseling and other resources are necessary, even for people who are far removed from the actual events.

The Dr. Oz Show is broadcasting the special episode as a stand of solidarity and support for a nation in mourning. The Dec. 17 broadcast will be an open discussion dedicated to healing and support as a country. The show will tape on the morning of Dec. 17 and air in the afternoon in the majority of U.S. markets. Those cities that regularly air The Dr. Oz Show after 2 p.m. will carry the show in its entirety, visit HERE to check local listings.

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Coping With Holiday Stress

As our friends and family gather for the holiday celebrations, we need to remember the true purpose of these holiday get-togethers. Instead of looking at tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner or other holiday celebrations in terms of what you need to do, reframe your thinking a view these holiday gatherings, as an enjoyable time to spend with loved ones.

Easier said then done when Auntie Matilda or whomever asks, “Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?” despite that Matilda knows full well you are happily single. Or when your sibling comments that the stuffing isn’t as good as mom makes. Questions and comments of this nature are intended to make you feel inadequate. This is where you have several choices.

You can choose to grin and bear the negative comments and questions, you can also choose to shoot a quip back or you can reframe your thoughts and enjoy the day. Reframing your thought process takes discipline, but self-awareness is about self-empowerment. When you know who you truly are as a human being, other people’s attempts (subconsciously or otherwise) to make you feel inferior simply won’t affect you. It’s quite simple really. You have to remember who you are, that you’re happy with yourself and most of all, other people’s unhappiness is not yours.

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Working On Self-Esteem

What do you like about yourself? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you feel uncomfortable, or you cannot answer them, chances are that you have a problem with self-esteem. Why is that? Why do so many people basically dislike themselves? Why are we embarrassed to "esteem" ourselves?

Self-esteem comes from the inside out. It is a core identity issue, essential to personal validation and our ability to experience joy. Once achieved, it comes from the inside out. But it is beaten or stunted from the outside in. A person with a positive self-image is not dependent upon anyone else to make him or her feel good about themselves, because they already know that they are fine just the way they are. These people are confident and aware of their strengths and abilities.

A person with low self-esteem does not feel good about himself or herself because they have absorbed all the negative messages around them. Low self-esteem can lead to poor decision making in one’s personal and professional life. Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from parent to child. Parents are modeling what it is to be a “man” or a “woman” and here within lies dangerous territory leaving children of parents with esteem issues, more vulnerable to abusive relationships.

A person with low self-esteem has no control over their life because their personal validation is met by outside factors. But that can change. You can reach out and begin the path toward emotional healing and a positive self-image. You can choose your own identity. You can discard the negative images and replace it with something healthy. Nobody is perfect, but everyone is worthwhile. Believe in yourself!

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Low Self-Esteem and The Jealousy Factor

I think that it was Marilyn Monroe who said, “You're no one until someone hates you.” It is true that people will dislike you once you attain a level of success and it is also rather sad for those who have feelings of dislike, or even hate, towards you for the simple fact of your success.

It is at this time that our personal self-awareness is most helpful. Being self-aware and knowing who you are allows you to forgive those that spew venom towards you for your successes. But what if you are the person filled with hateful jealousies toward another?

The simplistic answer for your jealousy is that you are unhappy with yourself and suffer from low self-esteem. And it’s easier to “dislike or hate,” (which in essence is veiled jealousy), a person that you perceive to be successful. You may even believe that the target of your dislike is unjustifiably successful.

Digging deeper, this jealousy that you feel toward another is actual fear of what you, yourself lack. It is much, much easier to point a finger at someone else then to take time for introspection. Personal introspection means that you will have to face your personal demons and come to terms with the fact that you are not happy with where you are in your life journey.

If you find that your consistently focusing hateful feelings towards another, it’s time to take a step back and take a good, long look at yourself. Ask yourself – Has this person sincerely wronged me or is this my personal misperception? Does this person affect my life? Why am I angry with this person? If you are absolutely truthful to yourself, you will find that this person has not wronged you, does not affect your life, and that you’re angry with this person because of your own unhappiness and low self-esteem.

My personal journey brought me to a place of only ever being in competition with myself. But, you can’t get to that place or even understand it until you put in the work to become comfortable with who you are. Attaining self-esteem is a journey that begins with introspection and ends with happiness. In between introspection and happiness is where all the hard work is.

©2012 Journey To Self, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior permissions from the author.

Are You A Victim or A Survivor?

Like many people, your life has changed in some way during the past months. Perhaps, you lost a loved one, you’re not where you want to be in life or you’ve been forced to cut back on leisure activities… perhaps even to the barest necessities. These changes or losses may seem unfair. it is in these times of stress people tend to rely upon familiar behaviors and ways of thinking. We tend to respond like victims or survivors.

How are you reacting to your current situation? Are you thinking of yourself as a victim of circumstance or as a survivor who will weather the storm?

The victim views a crisis situation as a threat. As a result, he or she becomes entrenched in feelings of fearfulness, helplessness, and hopelessness. Fearfulness, because they don’t know what lies ahead but they are convinced it isn’t good; helplessness, because they have lost control over the situation and don’t see any way of regaining control; and hopelessness, because to them the future looks pretty bleak, and there’s no light on the horizon. It’s difficult for a person who feels victimized to look forward to any source of pleasure or joy. He or she is paralyzed in their victim mindset.

On the other hand, the survivor views the same situation as a crisis, but is able to move through their initial alarm to a state of mind that enables them to consider their options. They engage in the process that unfolds throughout the days, weeks and months. While fearfulness and helplessness may be elements of the process, they aren’t all of what he or she feels. The survivor’s stance is colored by hope. As they consider their options, their fearfulness diminishes because they realize that all is not lost. The survivor also realizes that they haven’t completely lost control over their situation, because if they’ve put their mind to it, they can begin to form a plan. This goes to the core of what it means to be a survivor, and is the main difference between the survivor and the victim.

The victims are wringing their hands and crying, “Woe is me!” The survivors are discovering that they have choices, both individually, and as part of a nation and a world. These choices can improve our situation. Victims are attempting to hold on to life, as they knew it before the crisis. Survivors are seeking to use their creativity to re-create their lives in very basic ways.

It’s not always easy to create new goals, to develop strategies for meeting those goals, and to stay focused enough to achieve desired changes. Sometimes we need someone to hold us accountable for the progress we say we want to make. It’s okay to seek out the help of friends, family or even a therapist!

It is your choice whether you feel like a victim or a survivor. Allow yourself time to feel saddened by the loss of what you may have had, but let it be a survivor’s sadness. Don’t let it paralyze you and prevent you from seeking new opportunities. Again, it is your choice.

©2012 Journey To Self, All Rights Reserved